A place where I share my deepest darkest thoughts!

Written on 11/10/2000

As per the title I am a compulsive talker. I like to communicate with people. Most of the time the person I am talking to is laughing at the outrageous anecdotes and punch lines I literally spurt. Some people say that no one could ever get bored in my company. I on the other hand would not go as far as to agree with them. I am actually a compulsive talker and tend to say things without thinking. I say the first thing that comes to my mind. I end up saying things that most people are thinking but would die before saying aloud.

I guess as the youngest child I have always had protection. I have lived in a protective environment my entire life. I have inherited my sense of humor from my father and have learned to apply it from my elder brother. As for bending, twisting and mutilating it, I managed to do that all by myself. I admit that as people say I am quite naive and gullible. I tend to think that everyone is as accommodating as I am. My friends who are aware of my naivety accept my flaws and me as it is but that also after knowing me for at least a year. Well at this point in my life where I have reached the age of maturity and sophistication (which by the way is 18) I now realize that I need to learn to keep my opinions to myself.

The effect of this attribute of mine on my life has been drastic. I have hurt many people and I have lost many friends who I loved dearly because of this attribute of mine. I now realize that not all people can take a joke as a joke. I also know that once spoken words can never be taken back. I have actually lost count of the people I have probably hurt or angered by my compulsive talking. I guess this article is a way of appealing to their sense of forgiveness or rather it is a plea. All those of you out there who I might have hurt in any possible way, I am sorry and I sincerely hope that you will find in your hearts that you forgive me.

Who you are, makes a difference
(Written on December 25, 2007)

When I first read this line I liked it a lot because it struck out at me as being meaningful. I saved it in my collection of quotations. Looking at it now it doesn’t make all that much sense anymore. What you ask is the reason for this change of thought? The reason is that I heard a lecture and it said that a person should know his/her own self. I realized at that moment that I don’t know who I am. What defines me as a person? Who am I?

I sat down and tried to see myself as someone else would. Needless to say I drew a blank. It’s so easy to read and analyze other people. I could probably write character sketches of other people I know and I have done that but when it comes to me I realized that I don’t know myself. Am I the person my Orkut testimonials say I am? Not really. They all more or less the same nice things; can’t really expect people to say bad things about you and your personality to you on your face. So those were ruled out.

I don’t think that a person’s education, career or family back ground, are what or rather who a person is. It matters to some extent but does not really define them. Educated people can act like hooligans, CEOs can be crass as well and people with great backgrounds can also be character less. So then who am I?

Another thought that struck me then is do other people know who they are? Are we able to understand ourselves and bear with ourselves as people? I heard another lecture which stated quite matter of factly that a lot of people cant bear to be with themselves for a while and get to know themselves and reflect on who and what they are without getting disquieted. Is that why most people these days need to smoke, drink, do drugs or listen to music, just to escape reality? Opium the biggest escape from reality? Are we as a nation or even individuals facing a feeling of lost identity? Are we running from reality or ourselves?

We are so busy meeting and living up to expectations of others that somewhere along the line we lose ourselves and who we are. We are so busy meeting norms and traditions which have been ingrained into us that we can no longer think for ourselves. The result; we end up in extremes. The totally religious faction is there to run from worldly life, the moderates who are just living life as it comes their way without questioning the norms and then the so called norm challengers who break tradition not because they think its wrong or because they have an ideology but rather just so that they can show a streak of mostly misplaced rebellion. As the world becomes more and more artificial we become more and more lost in a labyrinth to which there is no end.

We as individuals and a nation are facing a loss of identity and the only way we can get it back is to understand who we are and what we want for ourselves in life. The question that now comes to my mind is how? How do we understand and figure out who we are? Do we need to reflect and sit in solitude and design ourselves? Do we need to tell ourselves who we are and then be what we think we should be? That’s going to be hard too I guess. For now it seems I will have to wait and see if I can come up with a way to know myself. Any suggestions?