Archive for the ‘ Uncategorized ’ Category

The Day I Died

(Written in or before 1999)

I woke up in the morning with cold sweat running down my face. I had just had the worst dream of my life. The nightmare should have been a pleasant dream because in it I got exactly what I had been asking God for since the day my two best friends (also my cousins) died. I had been asking for death as a form of relief from the pain and anguish that I was feeling.

In my wish the aspect I had not taken into consideration was what would happen to the people who loved me after I died and that was exactly what I saw in my dream. It hurt like like hell to see all the people I loved crying over my dead body and this helped me see how selfish I was being in asking for death which God hadn’t given me in the six years since that fateful day in my friends’ lives.

That very evening I met my Creator through a fatal breakdown. God wasn’t giving me what I wanted to I decided to take it and not ask for it. I committed suicide knowing what would happen to my loved ones after I died. I acted like a selfish brat and got punished for it. I went straight to hell but before that I was made to go through a greater hell.

God showed me how my rash action had hurt my loved ones and led them to suffer. It was worse than hell to see the anguish on the faces of all the people who loved me and who I loved. If I was scared of my nightmare, I was going insane seeing it come true.

I was sick of life. Sick of people I loved leaving me or breaking my trust. The chain started with the death of my cousins. Then my best friend from school broke my trust. Then my next best friend lost her trust in me. My cousins were mean to me (some of them openly criticized me, called me a loser and ignored me). I ignored all of this as well and forgave these people but I never forgot and these things always played in my mind over and over again.

Then came the last straw, I saw my boyfriend who I trusted more than anyone else in the world on a date with his ex-girlfriend. That’s when I decided that I had no right to live. I swallowed 30 tablets of Valium. Now no one could break my trust or me.

My mother found my body an hour later and fainted on the spot. My father was completely shocked. He wanted to rush me to the hospital, hoping that maybe I would come back to life. My brother had more sense. He called all my relatives, put my mother to bed and tried to soothe my father, only he was in too much of a shock to be able to soothe anyone.

Then I saw my relatives arrive one by one. Then came the friends. All of them were really astonished. They all thought me to be an exceptionally cheerful and non-serious person. They all believed me to be totally in control of my life. The news of my suicide came as a real shock to everyone.

No one knew what led me to take this decision of ending my life. Not even my friends. They were people who used to be surprise if I as much as cried in front of them. They believed me to be so happy a person that they thought I didn’t even know how to cry. My friends used to come to me in times of pain, trouble and problems. It almost never happened vice versa unless I was having some problems with my teachers. Even though I wasn’t too open with them, I loved them dearly and really cherished their friendship. To see them cry because of me caused me more grief than I had ever felt in my entire 17 years of life.

Seeing my family in torment due to my irrational behavior caused me more pain that a knife would probably cause stabbing me over and over again. When my eldest brother got the news of my death the anguish I was made to see on his face made me feel thoroughly disgusted with myself. I knew how much he loved me. I started to hate myself even more. He would not even get to see my face.

I was the youngest of three children and the only daughter and I had made my house a living hell for my family members. Everyone of my family members, cousins and friends blamed themselves for my death even though most of these people were totally innocent of this crime. They had no right to feel guilty over my selfishness.

That was the last thought I had. God showed me some mercy and made me see only the things that happened on the day I died and not the second day and third day and so on. I was grateful for that because I knew through experience that time does not really heal wounds. It’s quite the opposite really. As time passes we suffer more and more. The scars do remain forever and so does the pain and anguish.

Another Day in Paradise

In present day life we all get up and start a brand new day meeting new people and facing new challenges. For all of us, this is part of our daily hectic yet normal life. We do it because we want to and not because our lives or the lives of other people depends on our daily schedule. On the other hand, there are people out there who are depending on people like us for help, support and a kind word. For them, every day is an ordeal. They are people who run their house on the amount of money we get for pocket money alone. For us, it is just another day in paradise but for them it is another day in hell, not knowing where the next day will find them.

I would like to pick out an example of one such person who has really affected my views on how ungrateful we happen to be. My cousin’s driver received his monthly pay of Rs. 3,500/- which he earned about a lot of driving around. He was in a hurry to get home so instead of putting the money in his pocket as he should have done he held it in his hand. He got on a bus, sat down and opened his hand to put the money in his pocket, only to find that the money was no longer there. At first, he went into shock. Suddenly reality dawned upon him and realized that some other man probably poorer than him had stolen his hard earned money, the money which would have gotten him through months.

Three days later the driver asked his employer for a loan of Rs. 1,000/- which according to him would get him through the month, paying for his rent as well as food and clothing. He requested that this amount be deducted from his next month’s pay.

This is the story of  just one person we know of and he has a job. Think about the rest of the majority which happens to be jobless and probably worse off as compared to this man.  Think about our attitudes. Today we do not think twice before paying Rs. 700/- for a pizza and still we complain that we are hungry when we get home. We do not mind eating, drinking and when one times food alone costs us around Rs. 1,000/- and yet we are unsatisfied. What more can people like us want? Why can’t we open our eyes and see the suffering around us rather than acting ignorant and blocking it all out?
Give us Grace, O God, to dare to do the deed,
Which we well know cries to be done,
Let us not hesitate because of ease,
Or the words of [people’s] mouths,
Or our own lives,
Might causes are calling us,
The freeing of women, the training of children,
The putting down of hate and murder and poverty-all these and more.
But they call with voices that mean work and sacrifice and death,
[May we find a way to meet the task]

~W.E.B Du Bois

Title inspired by the song by Phil Collins. Link:

Compulsive Talking

Written on 11/10/2000

As per the title I am a compulsive talker. I like to communicate with people. Most of the time the person I am talking to is laughing at the outrageous anecdotes and punch lines I literally spurt. Some people say that no one could ever get bored in my company. I on the other hand would not go as far as to agree with them. I am actually a compulsive talker and tend to say things without thinking. I say the first thing that comes to my mind. I end up saying things that most people are thinking but would die before saying aloud.

I guess as the youngest child I have always had protection. I have lived in a protective environment my entire life. I have inherited my sense of humor from my father and have learned to apply it from my elder brother. As for bending, twisting and mutilating it, I managed to do that all by myself. I admit that as people say I am quite naive and gullible. I tend to think that everyone is as accommodating as I am. My friends who are aware of my naivety accept my flaws and me as it is but that also after knowing me for at least a year. Well at this point in my life where I have reached the age of maturity and sophistication (which by the way is 18) I now realize that I need to learn to keep my opinions to myself.

The effect of this attribute of mine on my life has been drastic. I have hurt many people and I have lost many friends who I loved dearly because of this attribute of mine. I now realize that not all people can take a joke as a joke. I also know that once spoken words can never be taken back. I have actually lost count of the people I have probably hurt or angered by my compulsive talking. I guess this article is a way of appealing to their sense of forgiveness or rather it is a plea. All those of you out there who I might have hurt in any possible way, I am sorry and I sincerely hope that you will find in your hearts that you forgive me.

Is it really? (Written on 25/01/2006)

I have read and have been told time and time again by a multitude of ppl that it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. Is that really true? Frankly I have never been in love. Think i came pretty close to it but was saved by some things short of a miracle. Lets just say, I have had some really close encounters that are more than enough. Don’t know how I would handle the confrontation if it ever came about. Somehow im not sure that it really is better. I think its just sucky to have loved someone and then see it all go away. Like raising a pet you love and see it just leave you or suddenly have it claimed by someone else. Don’t get me wrong, its not that i want to compare bfs or gfs to animals but i think people with pets would be able to relate (no i dont have a pet so I’m not sure).

The close encounters I spoke of earlier left me so distraught at times that I cant imagine what the real thing is probably like. I have seen people who faced the real thing though and it has left me totally disillusioned. People bent on changing their whole lives and mostly for the worst, people wanting to die, people cursing the person they professed undying love to at some point, etc. So is it really worth it then? Sometimes I think the depression that follows such break ups is a cure from God. His way of saying that I’m punishing you for loving in this world and im righting things in your soul by giving you this pain here. Frankly I dont beleive in love that just ends like that. I dont beleive people who love each other can hate each other at any point in time. Yah I’m confused alright, I have expectations though I dont want to, I have an image of what love is which is likely to shatter in the long run and leave me broken. I dont beleive in love before marriage anyways but then again theres no guarantee that I will find it after that ‘contract’. Dont get me wrong, I’m not saying that I’m holier than thou or something. I dont really even know what im saying I guess. If you read this, let me know if it made any sense.

At the end of the day though, all I can say is that I do believe in God and I do believe in fate. So it naturally follows that whatever happens to me will happen for the best. Inshallah I will find true love with the person I eventually get married to and then if God forbid anything goes wrong, I might answer my own question, till then, your response would be welcome.

For those of you who have faced this dilemma and are hurting, all I can say to you is this, whenever you are hurt, you learn from it. Yah I know sounds a lot like what I wrote earlier. But seriously, I dont think you know life till you know disappointment. Life is like getting your tooth pulled out, it hurts but it is whats best for you. Live it, love it and learn from it for tomorrow you may not be alive to do so. And on this cheerful note, I end this rambling…..

To love is to risk not being loved in return.

To hope is to risk disappointment.

But risks must be taken because the greatest risk in life is to risk nothing,

The person who risks nothing, sees nothing, has nothing and is nothing.

He cannot learn, feel, grow, love and live.

(Author unknown)

Who you are, makes a difference

Who you are, makes a difference
(Written on December 25, 2007)

When I first read this line I liked it a lot because it struck out at me as being meaningful. I saved it in my collection of quotations. Looking at it now it doesn’t make all that much sense anymore. What you ask is the reason for this change of thought? The reason is that I heard a lecture and it said that a person should know his/her own self. I realized at that moment that I don’t know who I am. What defines me as a person? Who am I?

I sat down and tried to see myself as someone else would. Needless to say I drew a blank. It’s so easy to read and analyze other people. I could probably write character sketches of other people I know and I have done that but when it comes to me I realized that I don’t know myself. Am I the person my Orkut testimonials say I am? Not really. They all more or less the same nice things; can’t really expect people to say bad things about you and your personality to you on your face. So those were ruled out.

I don’t think that a person’s education, career or family back ground, are what or rather who a person is. It matters to some extent but does not really define them. Educated people can act like hooligans, CEOs can be crass as well and people with great backgrounds can also be character less. So then who am I?

Another thought that struck me then is do other people know who they are? Are we able to understand ourselves and bear with ourselves as people? I heard another lecture which stated quite matter of factly that a lot of people cant bear to be with themselves for a while and get to know themselves and reflect on who and what they are without getting disquieted. Is that why most people these days need to smoke, drink, do drugs or listen to music, just to escape reality? Opium the biggest escape from reality? Are we as a nation or even individuals facing a feeling of lost identity? Are we running from reality or ourselves?

We are so busy meeting and living up to expectations of others that somewhere along the line we lose ourselves and who we are. We are so busy meeting norms and traditions which have been ingrained into us that we can no longer think for ourselves. The result; we end up in extremes. The totally religious faction is there to run from worldly life, the moderates who are just living life as it comes their way without questioning the norms and then the so called norm challengers who break tradition not because they think its wrong or because they have an ideology but rather just so that they can show a streak of mostly misplaced rebellion. As the world becomes more and more artificial we become more and more lost in a labyrinth to which there is no end.

We as individuals and a nation are facing a loss of identity and the only way we can get it back is to understand who we are and what we want for ourselves in life. The question that now comes to my mind is how? How do we understand and figure out who we are? Do we need to reflect and sit in solitude and design ourselves? Do we need to tell ourselves who we are and then be what we think we should be? That’s going to be hard too I guess. For now it seems I will have to wait and see if I can come up with a way to know myself. Any suggestions?