Archive for May, 2020
I try my best to protect my heart,
Sometimes though I fall apart.
There are so many things I need to protect it from,
Hate, fear, envy, despair and that, needs wisdom.
I wish I could take it out and wash it clean vigorously,
Scrub and hose off all the dirt and pain mercilessly.
Alas that is so much easier said than done,
It seems like this journey to purity has just begun.
I hope I succeed in this slow and painful uphill climb,
One day, peace of heart, I will hopefully find.
It has been a long, tiring and somewhat toxic day and almost as soon as I raise my hands to start my salat, the tears start rolling down my face. Ya Allah, Ya Rabb, when will this end, when will there be a day when I don’t feel this way? When will the words stop hurting and when will the children stop testing my patience? When will I finally be able to come and talk to you without being sad and a seemingly ungrateful servant?
I remember I had always felt guilty about thinking things during Salah, thinking about the past and the present and the daunting future. Then I realized that this is my time with Allah, this is my time to take all my concerns and worries to Him so that all these thoughts come to the fore of my mind and by the time I go into Sajdah, they all slide off my mind and get buried deep into the ground just like I will one day be absorbed into it.
As soon as my mind touches the ground, I feel such a sense of peace that no matter how hard I try I can never truly express it in words. It is almost as if blood, life, positivity and calm all rush into my mind and I am overcome with a feeling of warmth and acceptance. I love that we do two sajdahs in each rakah because one would never be enough.
By the time it is time for Dua, I become the grateful servant that I know I should have been from the very beginning and I ask for forgiveness. I go back to my life in this world, feeling refreshed and ready to face the challenges that life throws my way now and again. Ya Maalik, thank You for the gift that is Salah and the privilege of Sajdah.
I am a swing
I am feeling light but empty
I would rather be in a park, hanging from a tree
The slide, see-saw and monkey bars are my family
I dream of soaring high, up into the sky
I don’t like being dependent on others but that is how I get by
I am the perfect friend to help you fly away
I’m getting old and rusty and slowing falling apart
I have helped so many friends, escape their pain and sorrow
Some people have been hurt by me, broken bones, busted lips and a few scrapes maybe
I feel forever guilty and ashamed because of their pain
I love nights which are bright with stars and a full moon
I exist to bring others joy and happiness
Remember me as someone who was always there for you.
My mind is a complex web of thoughts and fears,
It makes me time again, cry buckets of tears.
My mind is not a box but rather a well,
And my thoughts are squares which often isn’t swell.
I am confused and uncertain, incapable of making decisions,
My being feels cut up after traumas that have made so many incisions.
I feel like I am a person made up of wounds and scars,
This makes it very difficult for me to live happily, as I set high bars.
My body by far has been the most neglected,
By all my confusion and trauma, it is adversely affected.
Many years of uncertainty, fear and toxicity, unrestricted,
To all the things that hurt my body, I have been addicted.
Your eyes have been ever watchful,
With every word and step you have taught us to be careful.
You have always been very strong,
It has been your obligation to set right every wrong.
You always had the most beautiful hair,
It has now thinned and grayed, life seems so unfair.
Everything life threw your way has taken a toll,
I guess that is a price one pays for achieving each life goal.
Your hands have become so dry and worn,
The effects of your hard work and effort they have borne.
They have written, cooked, mended and comforted,
Three wonderful people they have raised and tended.
Like a book cannot stand without a spine,
You make our house, a home divine.
Whenever people think of someone with a strong backbone,
You name is always mentioned and is well known.
You have taught us to be strong and not to cry over a scraped knee or elbow,
We have learnt to stand strong and when we are down, to let go.
You have always taught us to forgive and rise above it all,
When it comes to values, manners and integrity, never to drop the ball.
You have strong legs on which our household stood,
When I am searching for strength and hope, towards you I look.
You are the pillar of strength I lean on,
You are the only person I can truly and completely, depend on.
Confusedempath's Blog 