Archive for October, 2018

Tough & Gentle

It happened today, I felt my anger rise up and I shouted at him. I saw his body shake as he got startled by the sound of my angry voice. He looked up at me like a scared little puppy and I felt like something inside me died. I felt like I was an evil person who doesn’t deserve this blessing that I got after so many years of praying or rather begging and pleading.

Every time I raise my voice or hand at him I end up feeling like a monster. I feel like I damage him as a person and suppress his personality, especially when I see mothers around me let their children hit other children and not say a word to them when they waste food, bite, etc.

I read all these articles that talk about how strict mothers raise exceptional children and I hope to God that they are accurate. Then I promise myself that no matter what happens I won’t lose it again. I will breathe and relax and not do this to him.

Then it happens again. He is hitting his cousin and I can’t watch as he hits and gets hit so I ask him to stop and then remove him from that situation as he thrashes and resists my hold. Sometimes he hits me back and sometimes he calms down and starts playing.

I make amends as soon as he calms down. I hold him, I play with him, I tickle him, I become a crocodile and chase him until I see him smile again.Then I hope and pray that my love for him shines brighter than my anger or disappointment. I hope he knows that I love him very very much and that he won’t grow up thinking of me as the wicked witch who was always angry.

My child, I love you very very much. I thank Allah everyday for blessing me with you and I hope that you will grow up to be the amazing person I see in you already and I hope you will forgive me for all the times I was tough and remember the times when I held you and kissed you gently, the way only a mother can.

Oschinen See