A place where I share my deepest darkest thoughts!

As of 1st March I joined Pink Ribbon Pakistan as Assistant Manager Marketing. The very same day my aunt who had been unwell and bedridden since the past 7 years or so passed away. I was a very sad day for all the family members but in many ways we all realize it may have been a blessing for her since she was in a lot of pain and bed ridden. However her daughter (my cousin) will definitely miss her the most because the very presence of a mother is a huge blessing. May Allah give her the strength and patience to bear this loss along with all other grieving family members and may He grant the deceased a place in paradise.

Went to Karachi for 2 weeks to help take care of things. Learnt a few things that I always knew but needed to reinforce:

– Everyone has a different way of grieving for their loved ones and we should allow people to grieve the way they want to.
– While social norms are not always necessary to be adhered with, some level of conformity is required to show that we can adapt to situations and circumstances (if for no other reason).
– No matter how much you do for some people they will never look beyond their own biases which have been ingrained over time, no matter what you do for them they will always criticize you and never appreciate you, in times like these it is important to remember that Allah will reward you for your good intentions and deeds and not people hence it is futile to feel sad and depressed.

Recently my best friend (who very ardently fulfills her role of telling me things I don’t want to know) told me that I always write in a way and pick subjects which are politically correct. Told her to read my diary someday! :p Largely I agree with her though because most of the time even I do write and vent I try to soften the blow at the end so as not to hurt anyone’s feelings. I guess I have always been that way. I have trained  myself overtime to be careful about what I do, say and even write so as to avoid hurting peoples feelings. I always avoid confrontations and where possible I prefer writing or messaging over talking. I am an empath and hence I try not to hurt people so that I don’t get hurt via karma and I think it has largely worked for me. Also I am confused and hence a lot of my thoughts are contradictory. Maybe that is because I try to kill my own opinions when faced with those of other people. I don’t like to argue because I think I would probably become angry and say and do mean and hurtful things which would hurt the other person and hence don’t argue or discuss controversial subjects or things that I feel strongly about.

I don’t believe in grays largely, just black and white and I have realized that it is not necessary that things will be black and white and there are gray areas. Promises will be broken, rules will be disobeyed. Sometimes there will be consequences and sometimes there won’t. I need to have an open mind. Maybe I should listen and talk instead of either just talking or just listening. Wonder what else I can do to change that about me.