A place where I share my deepest darkest thoughts!

I’m sitting up later trying to work but procrastinating as usual. Tonight is Shab e Barat. For the first time ever instead of seeking forgiveness as I usually do I’m looking for ways to not forgive but yet somehow forget knowing that its not possible for me to do either at the moment because of how upset I am. I have been trying since a while not to give into thoughts which upset me and just when I think I have succeeded in doing that something new happens to drive me off course again.

As much as I try to let bygones be bygones and forget about all the insanity which surrounds me and bothers me because I let it, it seems to return and blow up in my face with twice the force. It’s like my life has changed and turned upside down without too much changing. Yes my city has changed, my residence and address has changed, etc but the change was not as hard as I thought. What is bothering me more is that I might or perhaps have changed. I have more time but I do less stuff stuff in it than I did when I didn’t have time to do anything. I know it doesn’t make sense. I am finding a new side to me which I hate, a lazy, insecure, complexed side! I am hating the person I am becoming but I’m not sure if I hate this new person anymore than I hate the person I was before the change. I’ve become anti social and an introvert which are the last words that could normally be used to describe me. I have become a mere shell of the being I was previously (i know its cliched but it applies).

I no longer know myself, I seem to just go through the motions. It’s like I step out of my body and see me doing things that I probably never would have done. It’s like I’m watching someone else do all the things they should be doing, not because they want to but because they have to. I don’t know whether to be proud of myself for doing the right thing or mad at me for changing who I am. Who am I becoming and why? There are so many questions and no answers, there are so many riddles and no solutions, a labyrinth that I walk through with no way out. Maybe it’s time to stop looking for answers that don’t exist, maybe it’s time to live in the moment and forget the past and what was. I only wish I knew how that can be done. I don’t know what drives me closer to insanity, the fact that I don’t know the answers or the fear of what the answers will reveal.